Monday Musings on Self-Promotion and Authenticity

Angst, plus some interesting reads!

I haven’t written a general post in a while, so I thought I would open with a photo of one of the beans we’re growing:

So much braver than its peers!

Part of the reason I haven’t posted a “musings” post for a few weeks is because I’m embarrassed that I haven’t written as much as I had hoped I would since I stopped writing daily stories. I feel like if I write a non-fiction post, then I ought to set down official days that I intend to post new stories. I’m quite jealous of my friend Newton Webb who can declare what days he will release new stuff. What foul magic is this?

But here is a declaration anyway: I will post a story to Substack every Tuesday and Friday.

Maybe. Who knows.

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A couple of weeks ago Substack introduced its Notes feature, which is rather like Twitter but with an option to only view notes from people you are subscribed to (I think even the larger feed is limited to people a couple of degrees of separation from you). The feature put me on edge because everyone suddenly leapt to promote their Substack, and I felt angst because a) I feel I should be promoting myself on it, because it would be good to have more people see my writing and b) self-promotion makes me feel like I should portray myself in a certain way.

Who would this brand version of me be? Quirky? Cynical and pessimistic? Upbeat and fun? People like to say “be yourself”, except there are many different shades of me (and of everyone else), and to only show one side - and to do so in a short-form “content” way - doesn’t feel authentic.

I often get tangled up in the concept of authenticity. The word gets used over and over in comments on personal essays. It becomes part of a person’s brand, along with words like “honesty” and “vulnerability”. They are important concepts in personal relationships, but I’m not sure how important they are in mass communications. How can anyone publicly post anything truly authentic when they are inevitably choosing what to add and what to remove from their topic of choice? When people turn personal essays into an income stream, how can it be authentic when they have a target audience in mind?

Then I can go too far down that thinking and end up thinking saying “hello” is inauthentic and manipulative - how dare anyone make people aware of their existence! In those moods I feel the only authentic person is the hermit Christopher Knight, who spent 27 years living in the wilderness by himself. #lifegoals.

I’ve thought about writing personal essays, but then I instantly question my motivations. Would it benefit me or my readers to write about being a bald woman, or about my dad going to prison, or about other life anomalies? Or would I just be mining my personal life for clicks? I’ve spoken to friends about complex life topics, so I’m not sure how putting it on paper helps me. Readers might be briefly engaged, but it’s unlikely to make any lasting impression on them, and those who have experienced similar things may end up feeling alienated rather than “not alone”.

Then there’s the whole framework of the personal essay. Such things are supposed to be full of strong emotion, moving from talking about The Challenging Thing, the subsequent problems, and then about how, with the right support, or mindset, or drugs, things became better. There’s room for some nuance, but because it’s aiming for a familiar arc, there’s a level of blandification.

You’re not supposed to talk about things with a crippling amount of uncertainty. You’re definitely not supposed to point out that memories aren’t reliable and that what you remember of the past likely bears little relation to the truth, and reflects more about your current self than your past self. Or about how most things in life are loosely connected events that we as humans spin into a coherent narrative to stave off the nihilism.

The only writing I do that actually feels authentic is fiction. All stories I write inevitably have some part of me in them - they reflect my interests or experiences, no matter how fantastical the settings are.

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Future Stories

If I try to share details of my future stories, will that help motivate me? Let’s see.

• Bird of Prey - Nessa faces suspicion and complicated questions as she guides soldiers to her murderous father’s hideout.

  • The story takes place in the Esteredge universe, along with some previous short stories like The Freedom to Soar and Hunting Down Memories, although as it takes places in a different country it doesn’t have the usual Roman vibe.

  • I haven’t decided on a proper title yet, so it is liable to change.

  • I will certainly publish it this week, hopefully tomorrow if Tuesdays are going to be a Post A Thing on Substack Day.

• Vessel - After being possessed by an otherworldly entity for a year, a woman tries to piece together the murky memories of her puppeted life.

  • I haven’t decided if this relates to other modern occult-y stories…

  • If I don’t publish it on Friday then it will be left until next week.

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Interesting Reads

I’ll tell you what isn’t an interesting read: Crash, by J. G. Ballard. An interesting concept made incredibly dull and repetitive. The repetition is presumably meant to reflect the narrator’s obsession, but you can still have repetition while being engaging.

Interesting Fiction

• Rabbit Test by Samantha Mills - One of the Nebula short story finalists. I loved it but it was heavy, so you’ve got to read it in the right mood. I think it’s an interesting example of an emotional build-up based around a concept rather than any individual character.

Interesting Non-Fiction Articles

• What Do People Really Mean by "Invisible Prose"? by Lincoln Michel (Countercraft)

• Why was my neighbour's body not found for two years? - A BBC article about the failings of a housing association, and what the neighbours went through in that time. Also a depressing reminder that some people are very alone. See also: Vulnerable woman lay dead in Surrey flat for more than three years.

• Inside the life coaching cult that takes over lives - Also a TV documentary (available on iPlayer under the strange title “A Very British Cult”) and a podcast. The Lighthouse cult is interesting due to a) it’s insistence it isn’t a cult because there is no secrecy (true - all the calls are recorded and their websites are are drowning in information and words words words), b) its use of Reddit to target naysayers and c) its manipulation of modern dialogue around trauma to insist that all the cult members families are abusive narcissists.

• Strange News from Another Star, No. 1: Reality by Sam Kriss - I haven’t read the other related posts, but it talks about how dreams reflect the feel of a society and includes some fascinating dreams people had during the Third Reich.

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My Recent Stories

Since my last musings post, I’ve put three stories up on Substack:

• How to Win Over the Chittering Queen - An eldritch horror/fantasy story. I was pleased with the end result, though I think it lacks emotional depth, opting for strangeness instead.

How to Win Over the Chittering Queen

• The Lake’s Lover - A hundred word story. I’ve been enjoying doing the odd one of these. It can feel a little like a puzzle, trying to fit everything I want/need into so few words.

The Lake's Lover

• Timeball - A flash fiction for the Fictionista's April prompt. A bit out of my comfort zone. While it’s satisfying enough for the prompt, I don’t like it much. Honestly, I find it a bit of a shame I end up getting more views/likes on prompt stories when I think they are weaker than most of my other stories!

Timeball

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