A brief hello
I'm not dead yet.
I ran away from Substack for a few months. Not just posting here, but reading things here too. I subscribed to lots of brilliant newsletters and now I have gone from the ideal “Inbox Zero” to many, many unread emails that I dare not click on. Exciting emails, intriguing emails, emails containing short stories and think pieces from long time friends whose work I enjoy.
I have been doing some writing, at least. I’ve been channelling some of my feelings into the highly avoidant main character of a potential novel. I’m about a quarter of the way through a first draft and I don’t know how the hell so many people manage to write something so long.
For the past month or so, I kept thinking about how to make my comeback. I figured I should start with a short story, rather than attempt to explain my absence. I even have a title: “Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder”, an oh-so-clever reference to both the story and my own disappearance. Unfortunately the story is currently only an idea with no real plot, and the piece that heralds my grand return ought to be perfect. Which obviously no story is going to be, so I really should do away with this grand plan.
I can’t explain my absence. I haven’t been incredibly busy. I haven’t had a breakdown. I haven’t gone to prison or had a baby or travelled around the world. I just didn’t feel like writing for a bit, and then the whole concept of Substack started to feel overwhelming and I wanted to run away and hide. Perhaps its because I tried to put pressure on myself to write daily, and then to write weekly… But if I don’t put any pressure on myself then nothing gets done. Perhaps I got fixated on the idea that if I am charming and funny and authentic then more people will engage with my writing compared to if I push new stories out with no fanfare. But I also know I shouldn’t get so het up about my stupid remodelled concept of truth. Perhaps I was just feeling like a small fish in a vast Substack ocean.
ANYWAY. This post is a message of intent. I will come back with some short stories soon(ish), and with no attempt at a schedule for now. Maybe I’ll also try to be so raw and vulnerable and stunningly authentic that when you look in the mirror all you see is me.
'I haven’t had a breakdown. I haven’t gone to prison or had a baby or travelled around the world.'
TBH, my first suspicion was formed a cult to summon the old ones and bring around the end of days.
Or at least something involving tentacles.
Welcome back! It's totally okay to take a break, and the overwhelm you feel is normal and valid. I went through that period, and now I do what I want when I want. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. I love that: "Maybe I’ll also try to be so raw and vulnerable and stunningly authentic that when you look in the mirror all you see is me."